I woke up, as I have many times, after having a dream about my brother Shawn. He wasn’t physically standing in front of me but when I grabbed my phone and held it up with the camera facing out my bubba was there. I took a screenshot and a photo but when I went back to the picture that I took he wasn’t in it. I held my phone up again and he was there again so I just stared at his face as he smiled back at me.

We were outside, it’s winter so I was freezing but I didn’t want the moment to end so I just held up my phone and stared. With desperation, I kept trying to take pictures of him. It wasn’t working. I told him I missed him desperately. I became frantic to get him to jump out of the damn phone so that I could hold him and hug him and hear his voice and spend time with him. He couldn’t. His smile was peaceful even though I was weeping and started screaming and begging him to come back! He had a compassionate look on his face but no pain or sadness just a smile. I’m grateful for that.

Waking up with a heart racing, I sit here with another moment of torment because he is not here and he never will be again. He will always be a picture or a video on my phone and in my memory.

HOW IN THE HELL DID I LOSE BOTH OF MY BROTHERS TO MENTAL ILLNESS? Some days are just hard to process. 😢

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide DON’T SELF MEDICATE! Call 988!