After hearing my husband’s words, I have come to a decision: I cannot be willing to die for someone who would treat me with such hatred.

Recently, I watched my husband stand in the gap for me. At the time, I was angry with him, blinded by denial, unwilling to see the truth that he saw so clearly. He looked at someone we love deeply, someone I still choose to love, and as he pointed at me he firmly told them: “she’s the kind of person who would die trying to help you, and you’re the kind of person who would let her.” Our trust had been shattered, yet I clung to hope. I could not imagine this person not being in our life. I refused to give up.

But when they were no longer around us, the deception slowly unraveled before me. I saw its ugliness for what it was. And though I have known trauma as if it were my last name, even that could not prepare me for this kind of heartbreak. I realize boundaries and giving up can look the same to outsiders but they are not the same. I don’t give up. It’s not how God created me.

I don’t wish pain on anyone I just wish some people would focus their attention on being a better human themselves than attacking us. We aren’t perfect but I have never met a perfect person so I know I am in good company. Defending the truth is not my responsibility.

Still, I love. Even in my anger, I love. Even in my confusion, I love. Even in my grief and sadness, I love. And though my emotions are justified, I have realized that my love must also include myself.

I have looked at our girls here in front of me, their bright eyes, their hopeful futures, and I have decided: I will be present for them. I will no longer pour myself out for someone who would so willingly let me suffer. My love is not meant to be wasted in spaces where it is trampled. Instead, I choose to invest it where it will grow, where it will heal.

I choose to let go of what is completely out of my control and to enjoy the presence of those in front of me. I choose my children. I choose my husband. I choose myself. I choose love, but not at the cost of my own destruction.