Today I found myself struggling! My heart was heavy with many weighty things baring down on it. Have you ever found yourself thinking about what it is you desire more than anything in the world? That was me, Today.
First, I want to say sorry…I do photography when I can and it is still a great passion in my life, but I no longer get to practice it as much as I would like because of other important things that capture my attention these days. To those of you that I have expressed the desire to capture your beautiful moments and have not been able to I feel terrible. I know that we have not set dates but I still feel terrible because I desire to do it and my intentions are pure, I just simply do not have that many hours in a day. Please forgive me for expressing my desire and not making time to follow through.
Second, I work for a wonderful company and I love what I do but there are some aspects I could surely do without…ie, PAPERWORK! I struggle because I have a heart to help kids in the capacity of LOVING them and feel that I get so stressed about the paperwork that I suck at my job. Kids deserve more than a stressed case worker…I am working hard to try and give that to them. I know we all have our weaknesses and I am telling you…THIS paperwork thing is mine. I feel like I never get away from it because I think about it at home during rest times and at the gym and during my quiet times. I never leave it at work. How in the world do we leave this stuff at work when we have audits, deadlines and supervisions and other things counting on it. Please share this with me if you know.
Third, I am finding myself doubting who I am. Who am I? If only there were perfect answers for this. I do not feel that I FIT anywhere. I feel like the outcast or the weird girl most of the time. I do not understand why this bothers me. I feel like a loner. I am not the “chat with my girlfriends about everything” type and I am not the girl that has a close group of friends. Sure I have many friends but not close to the heart spill your guts friends and I am bothered by this. I believe we as humans desire this kind of fellowship and please don’t get me wrong, I have been invited to go places and be around people, I just do not go I seem to find an excuse all the time. A long time ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to get out and go but I have become a dormant creature with little social life. I believe part of the reason may be because of my inability to understand my value.
Fourth, my greatest desire is to inspire struggling children and families through motivational messages of the Gospel and singing praises of what the LORD has done in my life. I have a CD coming out and I am terrified because it is all pulling together and I feel like a failure in so many other areas, I am afraid of failing at this too. I allow myself to fear the unknown sometimes and I doubt things that I know I should not. I have a problem with trying to pretend everything is okay in my life because I need to help others but I know if I am not vulnerable then I will be ineffective.
Fifth, I have a wonderful supportive husband that I do not want to burden with all of these fears, so I thought I could burden you all so that this load could be disbursed between more than just him. I am not looking for a pity party…I am simply sharing my honest heart in hopes to get it all out and feel clear again…(and maybe to receive a little encouragement here). I know God is teaching me alot through this…one thing is for sure and I just want to be a woman of honesty, grace, and LOVE. Thank you for your time in reading this mess and I would appreciate your prayers and advise.
Love Stephanie Ellison, MEd