I loved her first…

 

Several months ago I was a mess and when I say mess I mean the kind where you self loathe a little and ask why me…why my life?  I all started when I watched a video that was taking the web by storm of a dad dancing in the kitchen while holding his daughter…guys and gals…it was the most beautiful thing.  That little girl looked up at her daddy with glitter in her eyes and trust in her spirit.  She knew that he would not drop her and that he loved her deep.  It was also obvious that he was going to LOVE her until his last breath! 

fast forward to “bedtime”… 

One of my most favorite moments in life is watching my husband help get the kiddos in bed.  I often take the opportunity to eavesdrop on him and I could not help but drink it in tonight as he laughed, giggled, tickled,  and ran around with our daughters so beautifully! They are absolutely in love with him and one day I hope they realize how blessed they are to have such a great, involved and present daddy!  I was watched in wonder as  he helped Molly get ready for bed.  I watched them play and was overtaken by both deep grief and overwhelming JOY.  I felt my eyes burn as the tears found the exit and trickled down my cheeks.  My sweet husband said “are you okay?” I replied “yes,  just so working through some conflicting feelings right now.  I continued to watch them and the pain was oh so real and incredibly deep.  I hugged and kissed my little girls, told them goodnight and left the room as daddy took over bedtime snuggles, giggles and a few songs of joy and peace.

I went to the living room where I was filled with the most gut wrenching grief and jealousy.  I was not jealous that my daughters have a wonderful dad, or that the girl mentioned in the video above does either.  I was hurting because I beginning to truly understanding what I missed out on.  I missed out…  The most heartbreaking thing is I know I am not the only girl who has to suffer this same terrible void and I cannot keep from grieving this as well.  I am grieving the loss of a first love!  When I see how our daughters love their dad I realize that I missed that very important beautiful blessing in life.

My husband came to me after he tucked them in and and hugged me and told me he loves me!  I am thankful. I apologized for allowing it to get to me. He didn’t judge me or tell me to get over it.  He just quietly hugged me and said he was sorry.  I am thankful that he does not judge my grief.  I thanked God that night for giving me such a wonderful husband and for giving our girls such an amazing daddy.  I also asked God to piece it all together and fill the void!

Fast forward to today!

I have learned so much about life over the years but this is an area where I have had to realize a few things.  Knowing that there are many girls out there with this same pain and burden I felt I needed to share.

  1. Dads do not have to be biological in order for you to bond with them.
    • I am now in my thirties and recently started calling Bill (Dad)!  I have known him since high school and although it has been a journey of healing for me to be able to call someone by that precious name I chose him because he chose me.  He invested in my life as much as I would allow.  He never pressured me to be his daughter but always made me feel like I was.  Due to my struggle with the orphan spirit I often wondered when he would change his mind and not love and accept me anymore.  My healing began the day I met him and it continued when my sweet husband came into my life.
  2.  Choose wisely!
    • Do not settle.  Be patient for someone who will work hard with you for your family and someone who will consider it an honor and joy to have children!  Wait for someone who will love your kids and work with you as a team to raise them.  I know my struggle with being fatherless was simply wishing I had some guidance.  Someone who can offer protection of your heart. Someone who will hug you through the hurt.  I know as a Christian that God is the protector of my heart but the spiritual role and guidance of an earthly daddy is so valuable.  (Men NEVER underestimate your influence in the little ladies around you.)
  3. YOU CAN HEAL!
    • FINALLY I feel like the brick walls that I have built around my life are being broken down to the point where I can see over them!  I remember feeling like I could never heal from this hardened heart and void but I am here to say that it is possible to heal!  Most of my healing has come from watching my husband be a daddy to our girls.  I believe this is why God gave us all girls!  (I know that may sound selfish but I truly feel healing every day from watching them develop this bond together)!

 

Now in the spirit of Father’s Day:

IMG_2051Danny I LOVE you so much!  Thank you for being the most amazing dad to our girls.  Thank you for being patient with me as I have had to work through this part of my life.  I love the joy that you bring to our daughters eyes.  Every Daddy daughter date has restored hope.  Every moment you have kissed our girls and told them that you loved them has restored brokenness.  Every time you allowed them to paint your nails and brush your hair has restored joy!  Thank you for working hard for them, for teaching them music, hugging them, kissing them, putting bandaids on them, teaching them to ride their bikes, thank you for every time you have cooked meals for them, given them baths, taught them to see the beauty of nature, watched documentaries about the world, held their hands when they were scared, held them close, read to them and for teaching them that their hand belongs to you until you give it away.  Thank you for letting me see those things.  I hope you know how valuable you are.  I hope you understand how LOVED you are!

I also hope they know how blessed they are to have someone who has LOVED them FIRST!

Love, This Thankful Mom & Wife

 

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