My heart is broken but my faith is strong. It is hard to explain. There is tension. There is pain. There is brokenness. There is a burden that is heavy and unbearable.

Beloved Brothers of mine, we grew up so fast, too fast. We looked after one another. You called me Eppie and made fun of me too many times. You kept secrets from me but you let me tag along when you went to the store. Protective is an understatement and I am thankful for that. I won’t even go into the trouble that you two got into together.

You both made some really bad choices, we all do, but you were good hearted young men. Only someone who understands the amount of torment that you both endured would be able to cast their judgement and even then I believe they would shower you in empathy and grace. I pray as you entered the throne room of heaven that you felt peace. The kind of peace that you sought after in each failed attempts to numb your pain on earth. I pray that the old is truly gone and your NEW has come. I love and miss you.

Love,
Eppie

For all of my friends needing hope. We will get through this.

Shawn Horne

#Grief #AlwaysForever #Love #Brothers #Siblings

May, 31, 2020

Shawn, bubba, I miss you something fierce today. I have loved looking at the the old text messages that you wrote me. Remember when I created your business logo? I sent it to you and asked if you liked it. You wrote back. No…then you waited a bit…then you wrote…I love it! I loved you something fierce. Miss you so much! 😢

June 22, 2020

Brace yourself for another tough post from me. I have found that writing is helpful in processing grief. My hope for sharing is always to help others feel that they are not alone and also to be encouraged by those who are blessed with the ability to encourage those of us who are hurting.

What do I do with this massive tissue between my ears? My brain is on overload often times than not. I didn’t want to write about it yesterday because I wanted to honor the fathers in my life but today I need to share.

Gone. BOTH of my BUBBA’s are GONE! Yesterday marked 14 years since my oldest brother Daniel died by suicide. I still get a lump in my throat when I think about that sorrowful day. Shawn will be gone three months on the 27th of this month. Both of them were fathers. Daniel has three beautiful daughters and Shawn has three handsome sons. All of those babies were left without their daddy and I am angry for them. They weren’t perfect but dammit if I was not hopeful that they would pull through their struggles and overcome victoriously. They died tragically. As a Christian, I do believe Heaven is a victory but I want them here not in heaven.

As children, BOTH of them experienced abuse, neglect, and trauma. BOTH of my brothers struggled with drugs and had been incarcerated throughout their lives. Both had experienced poverty. Both of my handsome brothers were broken and in need of kindness and grace. I was ALWAYS hopeful of a turnaround and I had always hoped that we would someday be old and gray together. I had longed for a backyard BBQ where we get together and talk about SURVIVING the trauma that we all encountered! But they didn’t. They DID.NOT. SURVIVE. They are FOREVER. GONE, and I am left here on earth to figure out what to do with this chapter of my life.

Chapter 35: Here I am 35 years of age and experiencing something that causes me to want to crawl into the arms of Jesus and my mom Gina‘s lap and weep. A friend D Grant Smith asked recently what his friends want to be known for when we leave the earth and I replied with one word, Authenticity. I want to be known for being someone who had the desire to be authentic and mask free. Some days this journey isn’t pretty but on other days it is beautiful. I felt the tension of both emotions yesterday. Ugly and Beautiful, all at once. It was a silent storm where I quietly cried out to God a few times during the day and into the night and if I am being candid, I didn’t feel him but I still had hope that he would bring comfort to my spirit. I still feel as though God could turn something so tragic into something good. In reality, though, at times I feel selfish because I don’t want to experience the heartache and anger. My burden is heavy today. I feel angry that Daniel and Shawn’s children have to live without them. I feel heartbroken that I will never have that victorious moment of knowing that they felt freedom from those painful chains that weighed them down here on earth. I feel angry that my birth parents were addicts and abusers during the years when we couldn’t defend ourselves.

Both of my brothers made HUGE mistakes that landed them both in a position to be permanently separated from those of us who love them. In the wake of this grief, I try to stay positive but I will not paint a picture of them that is not accurate. They both were good-hearted young men. Both of them had incredible potential to change the world. Both of them were funny and loving. BUT…they both had deep, dark grief. They both had some friends who didn’t really have their back or hold them accountable. They both struggled to feel like men because the shining (<-sarcasm) examples around them lacked any light..they weren’t preparing them to get up after they fail. They were not prepared to be confident and kind to not only the world but to themselves. Neither one of my brothers could overcome their failures. My brother Shawn Hornecould not care for his children because he couldn’t even care for himself. Tragically he lost his life while participating in illegal activity with someone who claimed to love him but struggled with addiction as well.

Shawn and Daniel, Bubbas, I loved you both deeply. I was so proud of the moments when you overcame and was cheering you on in your attempts to be a better version of yourselves. I am not and will never be ashamed to call you my brothers and I appreciated all of those moments that you both took the blows that hit us from the pits of hell. I know you both are in Gods hands but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Until we see one another again, I will tell our story the best that I can and I will advocate for the little ones who need a voice. I will stand against drugs and abuse. I will not waste these precious moments on earth. Thank you both for the years of pinky promises.
Love, your little baby sister Eppie

P.S. Here is the song that we wrote and produced in memory of Shawn Horne.

Special thank you to the writers and producers of this song: Andrew Holmes, Sean D’Entremont, Danny Ellison, Elliott Park, Matt Ellis

June 26, 2020

We’re finally able to have a Memorial/Celebration of life for my beloved brother Shawn Horne. Please pray for safe travels. I love you all. I am excited to see two of my nephews and one of my nieces.

Shawn Harold Horne was ushered into Heaven on March 27, 2020. He was 36 years old. We were not able to have a service at the time of his death so we have decided to celebrate his life now as things are opening back up.

Shawn was born on December 21, 1983, in Texas. He couldn’t wait to join the world on that cold winter day. He was born at home during an ice storm to his parents Richard Horne and Marilyn Durrett.

Growing up, Shawn was the type of student that teachers loved due to his warm and funny personality and they also loathed him due to his ability to make them feel exhausted by 8:30am just 30 minutes after starting their class day. He was too busy for a stationary desk and his favorite activities were lunch, recess, and winking at the cute girls on the playground. He had the messiest desks and could talk his way out of trouble with anyone. Shawn was loud like thunder and here and gone like lightning. He was an unforgettable messy storm.

Shawn was so very proud to have his first son Tristan Eli Horne with Miranda Harrell. He realized very quickly that he wanted his son to have a better life than what he could give him so he made the incredibly painful and sacrificial decision to sign over his rights so that “Eli” could have a chance to grow up in the loving arms of his grandparents and mother. Like lighting, he was gone but would come back when he felt healthy enough.

After some time of self-discovery, Shawn met his wife Jennifer and they had two beautiful boys together. He named them Daniel and Noah. Oh, he loved them so! One of the greatest moments in his life was watching all of his boys be born.

Shawn was gifted in flooring and he had the amazing opportunity to create floors for hotels, homes, businesses, and even his own homes along the way. He started his business and blessed so many by providing a masterpiece beneath their feet. He was an amazing singer and if you were to compare his voice to the famous ones Randy Travis and George Strait would be at the top of the list. Shawn never met a stranger and was the type of person who would stop and help you if you were stranded on the side of the road. He would give the shirt off of his back if you needed it. He didn’t have much but gave what he had to help others.

Shawn was preceded in death by his beloved brother Daniel, grandparents Minnie and Alvin Durrett, and his cousin Mark Horne uncles Mitchell and Roger and aunt Vicki Horne. He is survived by his wife Jennifer and his sons Tristan, Daniel and Noah. He is also survived by his sister Misty and her husband Jason Bennett, and their children Brendon and Alaina Bennett. His sister Stephanie And her husband Daniel Ellison and their four daughters Abby Emma, Molly, and Willow. He is also survived by his sister in law Tanya and nieces Lacy, Haley, and Faith. He is also survived by his mother Marilyn Senenski and father Richard Horne. He wouldn’t want to leave anyone out and he is survived by many uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends. He loved you all so much.

Shawn will be greatly missed but when you look up at the stars and the heavens it is safe to say that Our Lord has put him to work creating floors for our Father’s house. When we join him after our work on earth is done we, will walk beside him just like he is walking with our brother Daniel right now.

He is healed and he is in better hands now.

 

July 19, 2020

I captured this photo while in the hospital room with my brother as he was declared brain dead and on life support on March 27, 2020. I know it may seem odd that I took a picture of this moment but I wanted to remember that it. I never thought I would be sharing it with anyone but I feel that some may need this. I also recognize that this may make some people feel uncomfortable and I am sorry for that as well.

I was holding my bubbas hand. It was dark and cloudy outside which was identical to how I felt in that room. I felt fear, pain, regret, anxiety, anger, disbelief, and deeply sorrowful. I am someone who has faith in God but I was struggling to see through the darkness before this moment. I was crying out to him in desperation, wishing that he would work a miracle by saving my beloved brother. Both great sorrow and hope filled me and the only words that I could think of were the words of a song. Where words fail, music speaks. I began to sing, my voice was shaking as I held my brother’s hand and whispered this song “You are Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, My God that is who you are”. I desperately wanted God to heal him! I wanted him to wake up. This song was my cry for a physical miracle! My eyes were closed as I was singing and all of a sudden I began to feel the warmth on my face. The light pierced through the clouds outside the window and kissed the tears on my face. The grief was heavier than I felt I had the capacity to hold. I gripped my brother’s hand tighter as I took this photo. In this moment, I shared my heart with Shawn. I prayed over his broken body. I wept. I felt God as the warmth of the sun hit my face but that didn’t make this a happy moment. It was awful.

One thing that God knows about me is a motto on repeat in my brain about the distinction between happiness and joy. “Happiness is like lightening it comes and goes like a flash but joy, like the sun, remains constant even if the clouds cover.” When I felt the sun at that moment it reminded me of a verse in James 1:2-4 that I have tattooed on my wrist. I marked my skin years ago with the word joy due to the death of my first brother by suicide. I felt God reminding me that I made it through loss and that He will carry me through this one as well. His love and peace remain faithful even in my darkest moments. Feeling these emotions are incredibly conflicting for me but the tension in my chest helps me to remember that my brothers were deeply loved and the way that I can love and honor them is to teach others that it is okay to feel. Feeling equals being alive. Processing feelings is vital to truly live.

Far too many people cope with their pain by self-medicating with food, alcohol, drugs, and avoidance. I want to encourage you to feel! Even if it is hard to find joy around you, my hope is that you will try to allow yourself time to truly process your own life and the meaning of it all.

Feel the weight of what is going on in your world! My friends, you need to understand that you do not need to be positive all the time and you should not expect others to be as well. It is possible to lay aside your unyielding denial of what is going on in your life and stop ignoring unpleasant feelings. You do not need to ignore grief, sadness, fear, anger, and pain. Internal negative emotions always find a way to escape us if we do not process them. Embrace the world as it is, every moment as if it were meant to educate you. Ask yourself what can you learn about the way you are feeling? We cannot push away our feelings. The only people who never experience the dark sides of life are those who are no longer breathing. Do not be afraid to feel discomfort because it is part of the process of finding meaning in life.

I loved studying logotherapy during my graduate studies because of the therapeutic approach of helping others find meaning in their difficult life circumstances. I believe we can find meaning in our lives by embracing the good, the bad, and the ugly. The emotions that are oftentimes most difficult for us to process will provide insight into what we appreciate. If you are grieving the death of a loved one then you valued their life. It is important to recognize that you are not your emotions, you experience emotions. Normalize these emotions that you feel. Emotions communicate with you in order to help you build courage, compassion, empathy, joy, and other positive benefactors on this journey if you allow yourself the vulnerability to process them in full.

If we are seeking diversity in this world we must seek to allow our emotional truths to provide diversity in our minds first before we can recognize the complexities of the life around us. How can you help others process grief if you stuffed your grief and tried to pretend that you are okay? How can we help others cope with anger if we have never acknowledged that we have been angry and reflect that we have overcome it? How can we teach others to overcome jealousy if we do not seek to fully acknowledge the torment that jealousy causes in the mind and heart and seek to discover how to release its power over us? How can we promote joy if we haven’t sought to fully understand our joy? How can we see happiness if we have not embraced the power of a happy moment?

Dig your hands into the earth and cry out. Scream if you need to. I did. I still feel the lump in my throat and disbelief but I manage to muster up those words to that song, Way Maker, and reality sets in that I am not alone. Not one moment have I ever been alone. Humanity grieves for love lost. Humanity feels.

When you see yourself you can then see others. When you see others you can see a reflection of yourself past, present, or future.

I love you and I feel you!
Love,
Stephanie Ellison

 

#GoFeel #Emotions