Revisit, Rework, Release

Gratitude can be expressed in remembering. Remembering often causes grief. Revisit, Rework, Release

This example is so very real. The arrow on the right is a very accurate representation of grief, at least it has been for me. I ran across it a while ago and decided to share. Many are grieving. May we all be mindful.

Grief is a process that may lead to a final destination of acceptance but I would argue that you may never truly reach the tip of the arrows head. Acceptance rarely, if ever, completely finds its way to you. It is possible for you can find meaning and champion a cause in honor of those you have lost but to truly be accepting that someone you deeply love has so very tragically and permanently departed from your life is hard to comprehend.

The voyage of working your way through grief at its genesis starts with denial and your grasping for straws often tangles your innermost being into knots and with every twist and turn it gets messier. Many days, months, and even years are spent attempting to make sense of it all. As you begin to feel like you are making progress, a stage that you carefully unpacked last year revisits and squeezes your heart causing it to feel as though the organ, responsible for keeping the blood flowing through your body, is going to explode again. You will be forced many times over to accept the reality of the loss even while you are begging God for just one more moment or dream with them. Revisit, rework, release.

Grief interrupts your life and a smell as sweet as chocolate pie with mountains of whip cream, decorated with little chocolate chips, has the potential to flood your eyes with burning tears causing a blurry fog to remind you what your new reality looks like. That sweet smell encapsulates a memory that makes you want to talk to someone who is unable to talk back so the burning tears begin to fall. Revisit, rework, release.

As you move past each stage of grief something happens to the hopes and dreams that died with your loved ones, in my case my beloved brothers. Often times as you move past a layer of hurt you will be met with an unraveling of sorts and those knots seem even more tangled. Detangling hurts. Searching for new hopes and dreams can feel like a nightmare. Revisit, rework, release.

The darkness of child abuse and trauma is that it is ingrained into the body, mind, and spirit and although you want it to just leave, it is always there, interrogating your life, causing you to question your purpose. The grief of not only death but the loss of a “normal” life here on earth is constantly tripping you as you attempt to move forward. It’s as if every few steps you take are met with a pit that you trip and fall into and you constantly attempt to get back up and work your way out of the pit. You know the only way out is up so you keep trying and as you slip and fall you continue to try and get a good grip on reality. Sometimes you want to give up, but you stay and climb anyway. Revisit, rework, release.

As the journey unfolds and as you are moving the best that you can through this grief, have grace with yourself. It is easy for others to say “be grateful” it is much harder to see through the messy line between the memories and loss of those you cherish and loved so deeply. Before you walk from threshold to threshold revisit the good memories and the good that you experienced with your loved ones, rework the reason you will choose to celebrate, release all that is holding you back from the joy of the present moments you are living in.

If you know someone walking through a season of grief, I would like to ask that you not be afraid to sit with them as they eat their chocolate pie and cry. Grab a piece of that pie and ask them to slam it into your face or you can let them wipe a little smidge of whip cream on your nose. Caution, this may cause laughter as food fights always do. Go ahead and make a mess outwardly and laugh together as you clean up the mess you have made. I promise the outward mess met with laughter will be worth it. Create new, fun memories during this time. Hearts may be burdened but your love and joy makes all the difference. Be patient as they/we continue to revisit, rework, and release. Who knows, maybe you can help rekindle a brighter future with new hopes and dreams.

Dear Daniel and Shawn (bubbas),
I love you both so very much. You were amazing brothers and given the childhood that we had I would dare to call you superheroes. I know I am not responsible for the abuse that we endured but I truly am so sorry for the pain we have suffered. Your lives were cut incredibly short and I will always feel the pain of that fact.

I know this would not surprise you but I have decided to continue being your stubborn little sister. I refuse to give up on making memories here on earth. A piece of me died with you the day that each of you died but there is still something burning within me. I can hear you now saying it’s heartburn, no it’s not heartburn lol. It’s a WILL to live and live life to the fullest. I want you here but I cannot continue to feel stuck without you. I will revisit but refuse to stay. I will rework but I refuse to stay, I will release you and remember all of the joy you brought to my life and the lives of others. I will keep your spirit alive with chocolate pie, gratitude, and love. I miss you. I miss you both so damn much that often times it hurts to breathe. I will breath though. I will continue to try and live the remainder of my life with no regrets. Revisit, rework, release with no regrets!

Love Eppie

The five stages of grief are:

  • denial
  • anger
  • bargaining
  • depression
  • acceptance

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