I woke up, as I have many times, after having a dream about my brother Shawn. He wasn’t physically standing in front of me but when I grabbed my phone and held it up with the camera facing out my bubba was there. I took a screenshot and a photo but when I went back to the picture that I took he wasn’t in it. I held my phone up again and he was there again so I just stared at his face as he smiled back at me.
We were outside, it’s winter so I was freezing but I didn’t want the moment to end so I just held up my phone and stared. With desperation, I kept trying to take pictures of him. It wasn’t working. I told him I missed him desperately. I became frantic to get him to jump out of the damn phone so that I could hold him and hug him and hear his voice and spend time with him. He couldn’t. His smile was peaceful even though I was weeping and started screaming and begging him to come back! He had a compassionate look on his face but no pain or sadness just a smile. I’m grateful for that.
Waking up with a heart racing, I sit here with another moment of torment because he is not here and he never will be again. He will always be a picture or a video on my phone and in my memory.
HOW IN THE HELL DID I LOSE BOTH OF MY BROTHERS TO MENTAL ILLNESS? Some days are just hard to process. 😢
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide DON’T SELF MEDICATE! Call 988!
➡️❤️For several years now I have been transforming my life, moving beyond generational poverty to a place where I can contribute generously to meaningful causes. While some are born into wealth, my journey involves overcoming challenges of homelessness, governmental assistance and the help and generosity of others in order to overcome. I am still working on it but I am building a foundation that allows me to give back both to my family and my community.
😭One time, while working on the forms for insurance, I asked the social worker if we could have the insurance where we could pay a little? It was called CHIP. She laughed and said “ma’am, with your income you should have Medicaid, food stamps and everything offered”. I politely responded that we were able to budget and provide food for our children and told her that we would like to at least pay some of the insurance funds. She told me it would not be an option, that I must use Medicaid and scoffed at me for refusing all services offered to us.
‼️I walked away from that conversation feeling somewhat defeated but I refused to give up. I called representatives and even wrote a letter to the President of the United States 😬🫣 to share my experience with them. I requested for them to allow people to choose instead of forcing the free option. Even though no one responded, I doubted they ever would, I wanted to at least share my story with them in hopes that it could help shed some light on the brokenness of our system.
🎊🎉The moment I no longer needed to rely on food stamps or medicaid is burned into my memory. It was humbling and I cried lots of tears. It was a goal of mine to one day be non-government dependent. I never wanted to stay there.
💰several years ago, I walked into an Edward Jones with my little $500 hoping to start an investment account with them. I remember him looking at me (almost with a laugh) and saying “come back when you have $25,000”. At that moment I felt pretty embarrassed. That $500 was like $25,000 to me. I was trying and that was all that mattered to me. I was talking to a friend who told me about another company who would work with my $500. The day we started investing our money with a company that allowed us to start small, was the beginning of a new dream for us.
✏️I have been learning and also unlearning and growing and the process hasn’t been smooth or easy but it has been well worth it. If you haven’t started saving, it’s okay to start with $1. Just start. I once met a Jewish man who told me that there is value even in the penny and we should care about the smallest in order to be trusted with more. If you need encouragement in this, you are not alone. I am still growing in this but I can always encourage.
I say all of this not to bring embarrassment to my family or anyone but to encourage everyone to feel proud of starting somewhere. Set a goal. To some, we don’t have much, to others we have an abundance. It’s all very subjective to circumstances. Just know I am cheering for you. I love you! Build generational wealth and wellness. It starts with you!
As I watch my daughter gracefully swing from the tree swing, a wave of nostalgia washes over me. In this fleeting moment, it feels as if time has slowed, allowing us to embrace the present while savoring the beauty of the past. Each push, an echo of innocence and youth, resonates deep within my heart.
The gentle breeze, carrying the crisp air of autumn, whispers echoes of simpler times. It’s as if the world around us has momentarily embraced the enchantment of the good old days. The laughter that fills the air transports me to a realm where worries dissipate, and our bond grows stronger.
In these precious moments, I am reminded of the magic that resides within the simplest of experiences. The creaking of the old swing, each sway back and forth, becomes a soothing lullaby, easing my worries and wrapping us in a warm embrace of serenity. The outside world melts away, leaving only the two of us, suspended between the branches, and encapsulated in a timeless bubble of love.
Through the lens of my watchful gaze, I see my daughter’s carefree spirit sparkle, her eyes dancing with a contagious joy that fills my soul. The innocence of youth, unrestrained by the burdens of adulthood, paints an ethereal picture of unbridled happiness. It is in these fleeting moments that I yearn to freeze time, to etch this heartwarming scene in my memory forever.
As the swing reaches its peak, my daughter’s laughter reverberates through the air, an anthem of contentment and pure bliss. In this perfect harmony of nature and family, bonds are forged, and memories are etched into the fabric of our beings. Through her infectious joy, I am reminded of the beauty that lies in the present, and I am grateful for the chance to witness these fleeting moments of the ever-evolving tapestry of our lives.
For in the embrace of the tree swing, I find solace in knowing that, despite the passage of time, the essence of the good old days lives on. It is in the laughter, the shared experiences, and the boundless love that we share as a family. And as I watch her swing higher and higher amongst the branches, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for these little moments that tether us to the timeless magic of the good old days.
Seasons change and I feel caught in the in between of watching the leaves change their colors and the temperatures fall with the transformation. I realize my beloved girls are all growing in seasons as well. Some good seasons, some difficult ones but I truly believe every season is useable to help them grow into who they are destined to be. For me, I could stay in this moment forever. These are the moments I live for. Simple moments. Peaceful moments. Moments of awe and wonder. I am grateful for this glimpse of the good old days.
May her eyes always carry that sparkle and may her joy reflect the sun and never burn out. May she always know my love for her and her sisters is an Always Forever kind of love. -love Mom
23 years ago I became a homeless, runaway youth! I ran away after my birth mother had attempted to murder me. I used a payphone, much like this one to call a friend.  I can’t even explain to you the amount of courage it takes to pick up the phone and call for help during your darkest moments but as I look back, I am so glad courage showed up within me that day. I contemplated killing myself. I questioned my existence so often.
My trials and pain were not over the moment I made that call but the help on the other end gave me a few more ounces of hope. Seeds of faith were planted as I walked into the unknown. I walked away from domestic violence and tiptoed into freedom.
I would love to say that I had complete confidence and that I was a warrior that day but sister, that would be a lie. I was scared, and scarred. I had more questions than answers and more doubts than faith. I had learning disabilities and mental blocks that created anxiety and depression as deep and dark as the journey to the bottom of the ocean. 
Thank you to every single person who has answered the call at the other end of the line! Thank you for sowing into my life so that I could pay it forward, and sow into the lives of others!  I know that people work can be triggering and difficult, but as Sarah Jakes Roberts puts it, I believe sometimes our triggers in life are our weapon!
I am so grateful for every opportunity that I get to share my story to help empower and uplift the lives of others. This month I get to join IMPACTtruth, Inc. as a speaker for a conference in San Antonio!! I get to help empower those working with our vulnerable youth and community members in the throws of poverty, abuse, homelessness, foster care, and generational cycles of pain! Today I also said yes, to an interview with a magazine that reaches women all over Australia and New Zealand! As soon as it releases, I will share it with you. My nonprofit Simply Encourage is in its foundational year! I am so grateful for all who believe in me and this journey I am walking! 😭❤️
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When students get angry I sometimes let them break my pencils while taking deep breaths in their nose and out of their mouths. I ask them to break it as much as they can until they feel calmer.
Today I placed this kiddos broken pencil in a bowl until he visited again later in the day. When he entered my class, I asked this sweet child what shape he would like to design. He was confused at first but after a few suggestions he said “maybe a heart”. I grabbed the bowl of broken pencil pieces and asked the student to start this art project. I handed him glue and the color of paper he had chosen. This was the outcome.
The lesson we learned is that beauty can be found in the broken pieces of our lives. There are so many things that are out of our control. Those things can leave us with fragments of something that use to function differently, maybe it was even better and more productive in its prior state. Your choices are slim as you can either leave the brokenness for the trash bin or you can reimagine it into something beautiful!
As a daughter, I can and will always choose to forgive. As a mother, I often struggle to understand. As a human I am desperate for change.
I never asked to be a survivor of childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect. I didn’t want to be a homeless youth or a “pull up those bootstraps girl”. I survived and have chosen to use my own experience to help as many children and families as I can along the journey.
All of the work I have put in over the years has been for a greater purpose. Truthfully, the next chapter of my story is one that scares me but I will March on. I will continue to move forward. It’s my turn to lead a way towards hope.
Something about this is keeping me awake. Maybe it’s that the test developers made this an answer choice. Maybe it’s that a kid that doesn’t always like reading showed proof he is reading. Maybe it’s that success is subjective and we truly cannot measure another humans success by our own bias standards.
Did you do your best? This was test answer choice C that tugged on one of my students heart strings while he was READING his test for benchmark. He wrote it down and when he ran into me in the hall after his restroom break he said “Mrs. Ellison I have something for you. Remember how you always tell me to do my best? I wanted you to know that I am trying harder to be better today than I was yesterday like you ask me to.” He handed me this paper.💙
Whatever it is keeping me awake, I am certainly proud of this amazing kid. I am always cheering for the students who struggle! I was one of those and learned many lessons along this tough journey. The world need’s ordinary people doing extraordinary things, the best way they know how. My students are all amazing, past, present, and future! We rise together!
You are too loud… You are too quiet… You are too much… You are not enough… You are too strict… You are too Free spirited… You are too mean… You are too kind… You are too giving… You are too selfish… You are too emotional… You are too closed off… You are too sad… You are too excited…
Whatever you are, my hope for you is that you hear this instead of the accusations of a very complex you!
You are Enough! You are Unique! You matter! You are who you are no matter what they say or even what you have told yourself.
Some days you may be loud to the person who is lonely because they are hard of hearing! Your loud style of colors and personality will be just the right thing to bring smiles and laughter a struggling world around you!
Some days you may be quiet enough to listen to a friend who is use to getting yelled!
Some days you might be filled with so much love, empathy, and compassion that overwhelms others but that kind of love has been known to save lives!
Some days your strict ways may help your children or students understand boundaries and how to set them for themselves!
Some days you may be free spirited enough to drive 4 hours to the ocean with your family just to see the sunset and feel the sand between your toes! Spontaneous is amazing sometimes!
Somedays you may seem mean to the people trying to manipulate the situations to get their own way. It’s okay to be perceived as mean!
Somedays you will be giving and kind to a fault and give the very last few dollars of your grocery money to help a family in need! It’s okay!
Somedays you will be seen as selfish for taking care of your own needs! Take care of yourself anyway.
Somedays you will need to just be okay with being too you! The older you get, the easier this is.
I too have battled being too everything and wanted to tell you that you are not alone!
Healing is not a linear journey! You don’t just go from point A to point B and automatically think, “okay it’s done, I’m Healed, it’s all over”! It is a process of taking turns down dead end roads and turning around. It’s walking left and losing signal with your map in unknown territory and not knowing where to go next. The brain and neurological pathways are fractured and need help rebuilding, restructuring, remapping. Healing is a process of falling and getting back up time and time again and placing one foot in front of the other.
I hate healing. Sure, I love the idea of being healed but the process of healing hurts sometimes.
If you have walked the healing journey and still feel the fracturing beneath your feet and brain, know that you are not alone. I’m over here trying to reach my healing destination too. Maybe we will meet along the way for some chocolate pie and coffee. The potential of running into you keeps me going.
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